All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize