I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
