Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Just puked most of my soul out..
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize