i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
