you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
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