i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
