I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
