I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
