I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Randomize
