it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize