I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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