Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
