fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
there is glitter all over my balls
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