I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
