she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Randomize