I wish my penis had an off switch
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
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