In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
