omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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