I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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