I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
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