My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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