Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
