After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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