Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
