i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
