cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize