Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
