Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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