sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He better not be in your backpack
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
