I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
