Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
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