this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
