walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
