Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Randomize
