just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
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