Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
