I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
ugly people sure do ruin things
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Randomize
