I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
