Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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