the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
