You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Randomize
