I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My vagina just clenched in fear
Randomize
