Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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