Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize