Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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