ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
