I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
