I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
