I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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