i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize