Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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