Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
