and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
if you like me you must not know who I am
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dick very happy bro
I have tasted many bathrooms
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
