Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
