sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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