how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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