you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
