what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
